What to do if you don’t feel ready to date

Relationship Health Self-Care

I want to be in a relationship but I’m not motivated to date

Falling in love is one of the best feelings in the world. Being able to share your day-to-day experiences with the person you love is a truly transformative experience. However, the road is often not easy or even enjoyable.

Dating can be rough. Not everyone is lucky in love. Some of us have to kiss a few frogs before we meet the right person. If you’ve ever experienced heart-break, you’ll understand how that can affect your self-esteem and make you question if you’ll ever find love again.

Some of us want to find love but we know that we have some internal work to do.

“I’ve been single for the past three years after being in a two-year relationship and I haven’t really been dating,” says a friend we’ll call John.

He shares,“I was so in love with my girlfriend, to the point where she was part of my identity. When we broke up, I had the blues for more than a year.”

He distances himself from relationships in order to heal. “I got comfortable not dating but I’ve developed self-esteem issues, even social anxiety.”

“It feels like I’m in a deep rut and I don’t see a way out.”

John knows he has to date in order to meet someone but he lacks the motivation to do so. “I don’t feel the push. Should I push myself to get back out there?”

He wants a relationship but is he ready for one?

It is smart for John to take time to intentionally focus on his mental health before jumping into dating again. While romantic relationships can play a key role in our level of fulfillment, they are not everything. There is a time and a place for romantic relationships, and we can get our need for connection met by platonic or other relationships.

Dating is fun but it also requires effort, time, and emotional investment. If you don’t have the energy to date, step back and focus on your own well-being. It is important to bring your best self to dates, and it is fine to take the time you need to get there.

Actively choosing not to date when you’re not feeling motivated can give you space for self-reflection and personal growth.

John mentioned that he suffers from social anxiety, so taking a break from dating can enable him to focus on his mental health and well-being before actively dating. This can lay a foundation for a healthier and more fulfilling relationship in the future.

Many of us could benefit from taking an intentional break from dating. Questioning one's readiness to date, shows a certain level of emotional maturity.

How does social anxiety affect our dating life?

Social anxiety can affect different areas of someone’s life including dating. Some people with social anxiety have a heightened fear of being negatively judged by others. This fear can make dating particularly challenging, as it involves showing vulnerability.

Social anxiety can also make it difficult for people to start and engage in conversations with potential partners. Partly because the fear of saying something wrong, being awkward, or running out of things to say can inhibit the natural conversation flow.

Some people with social anxiety are highly self-conscious and have a tendency to overthink. They focus on their own behavior, perceived flaws and body language which could detract them from being fully present during a date.

Those who suffer from social anxiety tend to have low self-esteem and often doubt their self-worth. As a result, they may end up settling for relationships that don’t make them truly happy or struggle to set appropriate boundaries.

If John wants a future partner, taking a break from dating, taking a step back, may be his best first step. By focusing on his own development, he can gain the confidence to meet someone by better understanding and learning to take care of himself. The skills we learn through self-care are the same skills that make us better in our relationships.

If you are like John, consider working through your issues with a licensed professional. Getting to the root cause of the anxiety and learning how to manage it is key. This might involve challenging negative thought patterns, for example, or trying out relaxation techniques. Professional help can be very beneficial.

Being open and honest about one’s social anxiety with a potential partner can foster understanding and support. If you have social anxiety, you shouldn’t feel pressure to tell someone on the first date. However, it isn’t something to hide either. The right person will understand and show compassion.

After working on your issues, and you feel comfortable about dating again, meeting new people through social activities or going on a few casual dates may be a great way to ease back in.

Online dating is another option that can help people navigate the process at their own pace. The fact that you can read someone’s profile before you meet them and chat beforehand can be comforting for some.

Social anxiety is a common challenge for many people. It is possible to navigate through it successfully. We all have our own unique hurdles to overcome, and finding love isn’t about being perfect.


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