Cultivating connection with your partner is vital to the success of your relationship. Setting time aside, even when time is limited, should be a priority.
Feeling disconnected with one's partner is quite common. Couples are constantly assailed by everyday stresses: different work schedules, a new baby, money anxiety, health concerns, job pressures, etc. Sometimes even happy events add to the tension in relationships: planning a wedding, a visit from the in-laws, holiday dinners, etc.
Carving out quality time with one's partner becomes another chore to add to a long to-do list. In the back of our minds, we know that daily connection and support is necessary for the relationship to work. But how does one create time when it is so limited?
For couples who seem to have time, perhaps they work alongside each other every day, the feeling of disconnection still creeps in. They lose polarity, intentional connection, and those special, intimate moments—which can lead to a rut in a relationship.
The Couple’s Check-In
The Couple’s Check-In is a practice of connecting with your partner on a deeper, more intimate level. It means really dropping in, listening, and sharing vulnerably with your partner. It is not just a "How are you feeling, honey?" situation. When life seems to get in the way of intimacy, this check-in practice can help two people find each other again. This practice serves as a simple but effective tool to course correct your relationship when you feel disconnected from your partner because you have too little time together, too much time together, or managing other challenges.
The set up
Set aside five to ten minutes. Sit across from your partner. Maintain eye contact. Imagine creating a safe, loving bubble around you and your partner. Remove all distractions: phones, TV, children, etc.
The prompts
The highlight of the day
The biggest challenge of the day
Something that I appreciate that you did/are doing
Something I’m working on is
Where I could use some support
How it works
Allow one person to have the floor to respond to all five prompts, while the other listens with no comment. Then, you swap roles. This is extremely important as the check-in itself is not a discussion or conversation. If something needs to be touched on further, that conversation can come after both partners have spoken their piece. It is quite normal to have follow up questions. Just save them until both partners have completed their response to the prompts.
The prompts can be modified to better suit your situation. The important part is to respond to the same prompts as your partner.
When sharing your responses to the prompts, it is best to be honest and direct. Be real with your partner. If you fear that your response may activate your partner, or you feel awkward or uncomfortable, include those concerns in your response. This makes the check-in more effective.
If you need to rely on remote viewing (i.e., Zoom) for your check-ins, they can still work. It will be important to observe the same parameters of safe space, no distractions. You can commit to having the follow up conversation when you are physically together.
Partners who have engage in this Check-in practice, have shared that often it leads to really great conversations. Sometimes it leads to snuggling or having sex. However, this practice is more meaningful and vulnerable when both partners are able to suspend expectations—when both partners can simply be present, non-judgmental, and hold a safe space.